Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Picking Up Drunks

Late one night when I was a sophomore in college, my friend Amy and I drove past a guy stumbling all over the sidewalk just off of a super busy road. Amy was all like "Let's take him home!" And I was like "Let's not!"

So we ended up picking him up anyway...because she was driving.

He was a super scrawny kid and had to tell us his address a few times before we understood. He kept saying he lived just a few blocks away.

Well he didn't.

He literally lived like 7 miles away. And he was about to try and walk there.

That's what started this new epiphany in my head: drunk people have no idea what they are doing.

Not that I didn't know that before, but it was brought to a whole new light when I realized this kid could have died walking 7 miles to his house. By himself with no friends.

Fast forward a few weeks. It's the middle of the winter, snowing and literally below 0 and I see a girl in heels and a short skirt walking home from a frat.

My first thought is "BAD outfit choice."
My second thought is "She's going to freeze to death."

I do a U-ey and ask if she wants a ride.

Absolutely she does. She hops right in. I'm talking ZERO hesitation.

By the time we got to her dorm she was literally bawling "OMG YOU ARE JUST SO NICE! Why did you do this? It's just so nice of you to do this. You are seriously like an angel. I are so nice."

I was pretty surprised by her gratitude. But also not, because she was drunk and crying. So there was my good deed for the night.

I start driving home and see more girls, legs and arms bare in a literal blizzard. I ask if they want a ride, and absolutely they do.

For the next 3 years I periodically picked girls up and took them home, rain or shine, snow or sleet.

Lots of them cried. Some acted like I had saved their lives. And none threw up -surprisingly.

The funny thing about riding around with drunk girls is that they LOVE to tell you everything about themselves. One night I will never forget is when I picked up two girls walking a few blocks from each other. After a little bit of conversation they realized THEY WERE DATING THE SAME GUY! Cue raging texts to the dude from both parties sitting in my car.

Truly the most astonishing thing is that EVERYONE said yes to a ride. I easily picked up over 100 girls over the course of my college career and I only recall ONE person ever saying no.

So. According to my calculations, 99% of college girls would gladly be abducted as long as there's a normal looking college student in the drivers seat. They will most likely be crying tears of joy.

It's a good thing I'm not a total crazy. Just saying.

Sometimes it's just the little things. Turns out undeserved love is a really powerful thing.

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