Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Goodbye Ruby

An open letter to Ruby, my 2003 Ford Focus.

Dear Ruby,

I bought you when I was 19. I drove around the parking lot of Hatch Hall blaring "Right Round" by Flo Rida. You had great speakers.

You moved me out of my first dorm, apartment and house. I stuffed you so full of my stuff, you could barely make it up large hills. I literally had to floor it in order for you to move.

But you are a zippy little thing. It's probably the reason my husband nicknamed me "Zippy Raines".

I'm an aggressive driver.

And the worst time to be an aggressive driver? When your brakes go out.

Let me remind you, we were driving in sketchville downtown St Louis when you decided to be a complete A-hole. And I couldn't stop. This is also the moment I realized the emergency brake didn't work. 30mph headed straight towards a brand new Dodge Charger. I did the only logical thing I could think of....I put it in park.


You blame me for the transmission problems!? Blame yourself, Ruby! Maybe check your stupid emergency break to see if it's rusted over before you let me drive. Idiot.

This was the start of a reckless relationship. One in which I am not fond.

Your stupid steering wheel locked on multiple occasions. 5, maybe 6 times. I almost missed a flight because of it once. AAA towing services saved your butt, until the day I replaced the ignition.

Thinking about you gives me anxiety. I could literally keel over and die.

How about the time the service center forgot to tighten the lug nuts on your wheel? You could have told me that obnoxious noise I was hearing for the next 3 days meant your wheel was literally about to pop off. Do you know how embarrassing it was to drive around a parking garage with a loud banging that sort of sounded like repeated shotgun blasts? People were concerned for me.

And how about last winter? When you decided to get stuck in not one, but TWO ditches during snowmageddon. A friendly man with a jeep pulled you out with a rope. OR the time you slid straight into an ice mountain and Trent's family had to come bail us out the first time we ever went to church with them. You made us late, RUBY!

Really, you just annoy the living crud out of me.

The squeaky belt that sounds like a bird every time I turn on my AC or heat. And if I'm at a stop light, AC blasting, the exhaust engulfs your insides and I think I'm going to die.

My personal favorite is the fact that I have to tape this piece of plastic down in order to get radio reception. You like to keep it classy.

And finally, a coolant leak. Every time I check the engine, your coolant is bone dry. Maybe you should stop tinkling.

Goodbye my red focus. Even though I hated your guts at times, I still sort of love you.


PS Meet Shakira! Her hips don't lie. Props to her previous owner, Brooke, for the excellent choice of name.

Instead of Flo Rida, I blared Fergi's "L.A.LOVE". It just fit.

PSS Ruby is for sale. This is not a joke. Full disclosure above.

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