Monday, February 16, 2015


My heart feels heavy today.

I wish I could accurately explain why. I was doing fine this weekend :-)

Sometimes the words come to me right away, and sometimes they don't. 

But I won't let my lack of understanding prevent me from writing today. 

This seems to be a theme in my life lately. Not understanding.

Last weekend I was part of a women's retreat called "IF Gathering". Not trying to be dramatic when I say it changed my life. Some of the ladies who spoke were so encouraging. They told stories of God being there and present, even in really difficult situations that didn't make sense. 

At the end of the week we "marked our place" in life by writing on a rock. We wrote what is was that God was stirring in our hearts. What we wanted to see change. 

I wrote faithful.

I want to be faithful.

I'm not talking about my marriage, I'm talking about my commitment to following Christ on a daily basis. 

Faith has been so hard for me lately. I didn't even realize it was hard for me until I sat watching that IF Gathering podcast. It hit me so hard. I am doubtful of God's plans and purpose for my life. Especially right here and now. 

Ugh. Isn't it funny how God shows us we need Him in the moments we don't even realize we need Him? 

I'm all like, "Ok God, I get it! I'm doubtful!"

Life has been beautiful lately, but also challenging. In October, my position at work was eliminated, and I was forced to find a new job. Later in October, our neighbor stabbed a guy in his front lawn. It was crazy and weird and made me feel really insecure and unsafe. For the past 4 months we've been trying to move but everything fell through. And fell through again. And fell through again. New neighbors, some more violence. Try to move again. Fail. Fail. Fail. 

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO GOD?! I am so confused!!! Move or not move!?


I've learned that faith does not mean you understand the entire scope of God perfectly. I've learned that faith does not mean you aren't still struggling...I've learned that faith just beats those fears. It overcomes them. I've learned that faith does not demand that God explains Himself. That I don't need to wait until I have full possession of knowledge to follow Him. 

So today, in all of life's confusion, I will be faithful. Even when I have no idea why I'm even writing this post. If it will even be helpful to anyone. My fear says this post makes me look weak. It's a good thing Jesus says my worth is found in HIM alone. 

I'm choosing to write for one reason: to be faithful to the one who is ALWAYS faithful to me. And you. He is GOOD. In the good, the bad, the ugly. I know because I've experienced it.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart, Katie. I've heard great things about IF: Gathering, especially living close to Austin now. Maybe I'll check it out next year!


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