Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Dear Topeka, BACK OFF

Old Topeka, Fair Topeka. Dear old Varsity...

You may recognize that first line as the beginning of the City of Topeka Municipal Anthem. Maybe you think I just took Mizzou's Alma Mater and put Topeka in it...which is EXACTLY what I did.

This is Trent if you didn't know by now...

If you are a proud Topekan then I am sure you will pause and reflect on all the great memories you have made in this city.  All the wonderful chain restaurants you went to. The amazing memories you made at the ONE movie theatre.  Or maybe you celebrate the 17 new tires you have had to buy after hitting potholes the size of MLB dugouts.

I am just going to come right out and say it.  I am a tad upset with you City of Topeka.

You really crossed the line this time.

I got this Letter in the mail today.  When I first saw it I thought it was the water bill.  To my dismay the topeka water website said I owed 0.00.  SO I open the letter and read this...

Notice of Violation
Immediate action Required Within 10 Days

This notice is to advise you that the property at *our address* was inspected on March 19, 2015 and found to be in violation of the 2012 International Property Maintenance Code as adopted by the City of Topeka



There is an International Property Maintenance Code?! WHY??!?  What kind of property maintenance atrocity happened on an international scale that was bad enough to warrant an entire code?!

I can't believe my taxes pay someone to come by and inspect the trashiness of the alley behind my house.  How do we have money for that and not free wifi? Or free Candy stations throughout the city? I don't know...I am just saying.

The letter goes on to basically say that there is "scattered rubbish and garbage" in the alleyway.  None of which is my own trash.  If I don't get it picked up in 10 days then I will be subject to fines and other penalties up to $500 and 180 days IN JAIL!

Well guess what...this is AMERCIA and I speak AMERICAN! I am tempted to just let it sit there. Really stick it to the man.  Prove a mother-trashin point.

I mostly just want to bump shoulders with the other inmates and tell them that I got thrown in the slammer for not having a pretty/clean enough alleyway.

Inmate 1: I stole a car
Inmate 2: I robbed a bank
Trent: I didn't pick up a few pieces of trash in the alley behind my house for 10 days, because there was a light drizzle and it was chilly.  I don't have a nice raincoat and I didn't want to ruin my dress shoes after work.

To make this even more ridiculous...the only reason there is trash back there is that we have some bushes that grab every piece of trash as it blows by from everywhere.

I folded and went back to pick it all up.  I found everything from sonic cups to employee reviews.  Home depot receipts to Walmart sacks.  Even a few french fry boxes.  NONE of which is my own trash.

But let me formally apologize Topeka.  How dare I not keep a closer eye on my section of the alleyway...behind my house...hidden by a see if there was random trash collecting as it blew by.

Never Again. Never. Again.

1 comment:

  1. I'll write you if you are thrown in the slammer. Funny piece!


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